DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
sumber :
How often have you heard yourself say, "I'm a giver, not a taker"? Have you experienced discomfort when receiving something from another, whether it's a kind gesture, favor or gift? Do you know what it's like to be in a reciprocal relationship? If these questions are triggering familiar sensations, it means you started learning this inclination in childhood, and were made to feel that receiving supplies of attention, affection and emotional support came at a substantial cost to your parent(s). As a natural outcome of this, you began putting the needs of others far ahead of your own, because doing otherwise meant punishment, guilt and/or shame.
Entitlement issues typically evolve from poor self-worth, and our inability to feel deserving and/or worthy of receiving what we need. Healthy self-esteem means that we're equally as comfortable receiving as giving. Our desperate, unrelenting need to gain acceptance and approval from others (so that we can feel okay about ourselves), is at the core of fixing or rescuing behaviors.
None of us grew up being perfectly parented--in fact it's virtually impossible to anticipate that this could even happen. Alas, we are all products of our experiences, which have impacted us to one degree or another, and that's what this piece attempts to address. There will likely be parts of this article that you'll relate to, and other parts you won't--but if any of this material opens a doorway to greater self-awareness, healing might begin for you and your child, parent or spouse, and that's my objective.
A few of my clients have chosen to share this material with their parent. If You are a parent, and your adult child has given you this article or you've found it by chance, there's a strong likelihood they're needing your apology for some childhood issues they've struggled to surmount. If you're wanting to build a closer bond with him or her, any attempts to make amends must be heartfelt--and made without explanations or excuses. The reasons you weren't 'equipped' to do it differently or better, are of no use in context of healing the pain they still carry. In short, this effort can't become about you and your struggles, for while they may have empathy and understanding for your plight, they're still wrestling with unresolved wounds and trust issues. Healing is only possible, when someone you've hurt (even unwittingly) can feel your sincere remorse. While this process isn't easy, it can go a long way toward helping you repair any relationship where trust has been undermined.
Wounds to one's sense of Self during infancy and early childhood, are often referred to as core damage/trauma or narcissistic injury, within the body of this text. In simple terms, having 'core issues' means that the hub of your wheel has been broken or damaged in some manner. When the very center of your being is compromised, all the spokes which emanate from that point will be weak, and susceptible to breaking. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence, as it shapes self-worth, and influences how we think about and take care of ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.
When a client tells me they had an "ideal childhood," or that his/her parents had a perfect, long-term marriage, I know we've got challenging work ahead. The reality is, if this were true, they would not be struggling to form healthy attachments--and they definitely wouldn't be needing my help. Denial keeps us trapped in self-blame for our failings, instead of putting the blame where it actually belongs. It also keeps us addicted to poor relational choices.
You may have convinced yourself that your parents "did the best they could" but if that's so, why are you having to invest all this time, money and effort in therapy and a litany of self-help venues, just to feel okay about yourself?
A child needs to feel valued by his/her parent. He needs to see welcome on the parent's face when he enters a room, and feel like he really matters, and is loved. Very few of us ever experienced this--in fact, what we consistently saw instead, were expressions of indifference or annoyance--and this shaped how we grew up feeling about ourselves!
When we experience tormenting emotional pain and confusion in childhood, we have to normalize those experiences in order to survive them. Often, we stow away these difficult feelings or make them not matter, so we're able to coexist with a variety of upsets--and the people responsible for them (our parents). The problem is, these survival strategies remain intact throughout our adulthood, and prompt serious issues like anxiety disorders, addictions, compulsive behaviors, attachment fears, impaired partner selection, etc.
When feelings are put away in childhood, our emotional growth is stunted. As we can't help but be drawn to partners who echo our earliest experiences and match our level of emotional development, we're naturally attracted to others who are as underdeveloped and damaged as we--which sets us up for failure in our Love life. These relationships feel familiar and 'normal' to us, so there's a compelling drive to maintain them. This element is discussed in greater depth toward the end of this piece--but the rest will help you discern why you've landed here.
As you read through this material, you might experience sudden sleepiness or perhaps a little sadness. This is a somatic response, which means that a facet of you is identifying with various elements being discussed here--and they have important meaning for you! While you may decide to take a short break, rest assured that there is nothing to fear from these uncomfortable sensations, and I encourage you to continue. You'll get the most value from this information, if you return to the hyperlinks that take you to other pages after you've finished reading this article.
When you're a self-proclaimed "giver," it's very likely you've been raised in a home where certain needs were not acknowledged or adequately responded to, and you've compensated for this deficit, by becoming a caregiver. Even if you felt that your parents were overburdened in some way, you could have tried to become an invisible child, so as not to place more demand on them.
As a young kid, you may have discovered that taking care of another's needs provided vicarious satisfaction, and a sense of safety, empowerment or self-worth. Whether you've promoted another's dependency on you emotionally, physically or financially as an adult, feeling needed has fortified your self-esteem--but it has also ameliorated abandonment anxiety, which motivates these types of choices.
THE CODEPENDENT EQUATES BEING NEEDED, WITH BEING LOVED.
Your caregiving nature is drawn to codependent relationship dynamics with friends or lovers who are either handicapped, in crisis, emotionally/sexually underdeveloped, substance addicted or in recovery/rehab. You've unwittingly selected partners whose self-esteem is flagging, or whom in some way need rescuing--or extreme amounts of support or nurturing. Quite often, feelings of boredom or emptiness will prompt phone calls to friends who allow you to fuel/fix them with 'pep talks' or emotional/psychological bolstering, and you feel better afterward. Occasionally, you'll romantically connect with someone who initially shows promise or "potential," only to be disappointed and angry at the end of this relationship, having carried the financial and/or emotional weight for both of you! The subconscious theme that underlies this pairing process is: "If you NEED me, you'll never leave me."
In the rare event a selected lover presents as self-sufficient and non-needy, Caregivers are still compelled to encourage some level of dependency. This can be demonstrated by attempts to subtly undermine a partner's confidence in body image, wardrobe preference, dietary habits, work proficiency, sexual adequacy, etc. Basically, if there's opportunity to create (at least) an illusion of being indispensable and needed, abandonment concerns are averted. This behavior is driven by our subconscious determination to maintain inequity in relationships, for the one who needs the least is always the one in power.
Partners may unwittingly undermine themselves by losing jobs, getting sick, failing, etc., to be complicit with the dynamic you've needed to maintain in the relationship. There's always a payoff in this--as the unspoken agreement or 'contract' you two created when you first joined, remains intact.
"karena terlalu pnjg, silahkan lihat sumbernya untuk klengkapannya"
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